The beginning of the story: Hi, story! The ending of the story: History…

There were so many words piled up inside my heart, but I did not know how to begin. Then, I might as well write a “fictional” story:

Not long ago, one night, I gathered my courage and asked him, in that bright and clear tone, what kind of presence am I in your heart? I have feelings for you. Hey, I mean it when I say I have feelings for you. God knows my hands were shaking. And his answer was: just a friend.

Friend, friend. Oh… all right.

There can be many friends, but only a few true confidants can really walk into your heart. I have one best friend who is close to me down to the bone, and another one should have been him.

How did I start getting familiar with him? He and I were both freshmen. At first it was only because we were both interested in software. From occasionally talking about cameras, photography, and retouching, we slowly began to talk more. We talked about life, about ways of behaving, and only then did I realize that the two of us were strangely alike in so many ways. There was a stubbornness in both of us, deep down. We did not want to be restrained. It did not matter if we were not understood.

I thought this little friend and I could really talk. That was all. But somehow we talked more and more, and more and more about ordinary daily things. Even I did not know when my feelings toward him seemed to change. It was no longer just the simple feeling of chatting with someone.

I did remind myself not to go too far, but many things are not something you can simply brake in time. He seemed to be misunderstood by many people, thought difficult, thought cold, as if no one could really enter his heart. But the person I came to know was clearly not like that. He was willing to share his thoughts. He could be funny in all kinds of ways. Sometimes even you yourself do not know why two people fit together so well.

The day before yesterday, I shared this situation with my best friend. She was very surprised and asked if I did not find this relationship strange. Not quite friends, not quite lovers. I was confused too. My best friend said, then why not just ask clearly? What is the point of staying in this unclear state all the time? And so there was that sentence at the beginning.

The moment the words left my mouth, I regretted it. I was not prepared at all. I had not prepared myself for how to laugh it off if I was rejected, and I had not prepared myself for the awkwardness between us after I said it.

Then, what should I do? Is it time for me to know my place and leave? But when a person has become part of your life, to suddenly tear that part away by force, that dull pain is truly unbearable.

He is proud, lonely, and free. Perhaps I really have no way to stand beside him. My bulky body makes me loathe myself deeply. No matter how well we could talk, I am still not the girl he imagines as ideal.

I can only say it gave me a lesson. In the future, I should not flirt so casually, because I really cannot let go that easily.

Hey, there are some things I want to say to you.

Thank you. During the time I chatted with you, I was truly happy. Sometimes I would sit there giggling foolishly, and my roommates said I had become much more cheerful. I know you must not be that kind of person, though in the end you pushed all the problems onto me. Having this kind of feeling that crossed the line was my fault, and everything you did was only how you treat an ordinary friend. That is what you mean, right? But I was not like that.

I would not search for clothes and pants on Taobao after lights-out just because of one sentence from an ordinary friend. I would not, every time I went to eat something good, be unable to stop myself from taking a photo because I wanted to tease an ordinary friend. I would not go out late at night so casually with an ordinary male friend to shoot star trails. I would not share every trivial little thing that happened each day with an ordinary friend. I would not listen so seriously to the songs shared by an ordinary friend. Everything I did was because, in my heart, you had become not ordinary.

When I finally asked you, after you have a girlfriend in the future, will you still chat with female friends like this? You replied: a girlfriend’s place is irreplaceable. At that moment, my heart went half cold. Actually, what I wanted to say was that no girlfriend would be willing to let her boyfriend have such a female confidante, and no girl would be willing to remain so unclear with a boy.

And also, we all have to learn how to survive in this society. Being too sharp may not be a good thing. Keep your personality and your sense of fun, and learn to be a man with a heart that can tolerate and understand. You will become even better.

The songs you recommended are playing in my headphones now. Since that night, my heart has been so blocked I can hardly breathe. I want so badly to cry hysterically, but I do not know why I would be crying. For myself, or for you?

I only suddenly remembered that evening, when you excitedly sent a voice message and said, look toward the west campus.

I turned my head and saw that the fiery red sunset was beautiful.

I just stood there quietly like that.

We were looking at the same sky.

Only now, perhaps, there is nothing left.